The Princess and the Pea
by Dazed and Kunfust
Summary: A tragic tale of woe: A young princess sets out to make her fortune. Things happen. Completely off the wall story.


The Princess and the Pea,  
or,  
A Tragic Tale of Woe  
by Dazed and Kunfust  
  
Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, a young, beautiful but slightly ruthless princess named Punzella lived. Ruthlessness was not a trait she'd been born with, but she acquired it during one of the many fights about her name. She was the fourth of six lovely princesses, each more charming than the last.  
Punzella (Punzie) had raven tresses, and deep blue eyes like the ocean after a storm. Her skin rivaled the smoothest silk, in texture if not in color, and she was as graceful as a gazelle. However, it would be folly and misleading to continue in this vein because dear Punzie was outshone by her youngest sister, Giselle, the same way the moon is washed out by the sun. But no matter! Although Punzie may have been outmatched in looks, she was not overmatched in brains. And she also kept a knife in her boots for those times when her siblings were too unbearable. Several of them had scars in places where the sun don't shine.  
One day Punzella had enough: the fifteenth suitor had arrived for her eldest sister who was going to inherit, and the forty-third suitor had arrived for her youngest, who, as mentioned before, was really cute. Punzie's only suitor was a greasy old man with a bald spot and no teeth, and he didn't own a kingdom or even a lot of money, besides which he seemed healthy enough to live until she was sixty just to spite her. It finally struck her as she was watching Giselle flirt with suitor #43 and avoiding the leers of her suitor and picking bits of mashed potato out of her hair where it had landed when her suitor talked with his mouth full: she was never going to get anywhere. Life was not going to change for the better, and she was going to have to do something. That night she robbed the royal treasury of all portable valuables such as jewelry, gold coins, property deeds, and stock certificates, set fire to the throne room and emptied the royal stables. Having covered her back trail with much confusion, Punzie proceeded off on foot to find her fortune.  
At about the same time in a kingdom not far off, a young prince by the name of Rupert was growing steadily more depressed. Rupert's parents, in most respects perfectly normal and good provided they let their advisors run everything and only came out for situations where a figurehead was needed, had somehow gotten an idea into their heads. Since ideas were so rare for them, when they did get one they stuck with it, and this one was a doozy. They had decided that no princess was good enough to marry their darling boy if she wasn't a proper princess. How did they know if she was a proper princess? She was only a proper princess if she could feel a pea through a hundred mattresses. Needless to say, the region, nay even the continent, was suffering from a sudden shortage of eligible princesses -although there suddenly seemed to be a whole lot more willing "unofficial" princesses than there used to. Rupert didn't really care one way or the other. He just wanted to get laid. Most people would have thought his parents would have caught on by the time he was desperate enough to chase anyone with two X chromosomes, but this did not seem to be the case. They just made him a leash and kept him tied to the staircase.  
On this particular night, it was storming like there was no tomorrow and Rupert, from his perch at the top of the staircase, could have sworn he saw a cow fly by the window. This only depressed him more, for, he thought to himself, even cows have freedom to fly, and I am stuck alooooone in this miserable, dank palace without female companionship. He had just reached the point where he was wondering if his leash was long enough to swing over the beam and hang himself when there was a ferocious pounding at the portcullis. "Hark," the voice of palace chamberlain called, "my ears detect the humble entreaty of a chance passerby endeavoring to gain admittance unto our fair palace! Let me sally forth to the portal and discover what my eyes can espy!"  
Shortly after, Rupert beheld the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. No, not Giselle. No, not Punzie's second youngest sister, nor even one of her older ones. It was Punzella herself. Well, okay, maybe not the most attractive creature he had ever seen, but attractive enough, and he was not exactly in a situation to be choosy. In his books, Punzella was just fine.  
From Punzie's point of view, Rupert also looked just fine. Prince Rupert was a golden god. His hair swept back to his shoulders and his piercing blue eyes gazed soulfully down on the scene below. He was wearing the most stylish, tasteful clothes Punzie had seen since she last raided her sister's wardrobe and, she peered a little closer, a matching leash. "Why is that man tied to the stairs?" she asked the man next to her in an undertone.  
"I can tell you," he replied, equally soft. "But it'll cost you. We'll talk later." Louder, he said, "How shall we address you, my fair wandering flower? Know that ye be sheltering in the palace of Auburn Hills, in the domain of their most Puissant Majesties, the King and Queen of Auburn Hills, and yea, also the domain of their slightly less Puissant son, the right honorable Prince Rupert whom you see before your very eyes."  
Getting into the spirit of things, Punzie replied, "Know, my good man, that I am the fourth child of a neighboring king who was forced to flee before the wrath of a mighty sorcerer who cast a spell of sleep upon my family, and more importantly, stole all our money. I have journeyed from afar to seek protection from his fell rage and also from the long arm of the law. For I fear my family blames me for their misfortune."  
"So you're a princess?" Rupert asked. "Hmmmm....." He drooled a bit.  
Punzie leaned back to the chamberlain. "Is he a bit slow?" she whispered.  
"Yes," the chamberlain said. "It runs in the family."  
Now most people would ask for more proof than only someone's word that she was a princess, but the king and queen knew better. They had an infallible princess test and they'd know the results soon enough, so in the meantime they welcomed Punzie into their house with open arms.  
That night in exchange for a small diamond, the chamberlain explained the facts of life in the palace of Auburn Hills to Punzie. "I see," she said, and her eyes glittered strangely.  
The next morning, they all came down to breakfast. When the king and queen asked how she'd slept, Punzie replied that she'd felt something hard all night and hadn't slept a wink. Rupert thought this was somewhat belied by her well rested appearance, but of course said nothing. The wedding was held the next day.  
But Punzie's plans extended further than a simple wedding. The king and queen fell ill that very night. "I'm so surprised," was all Punzie had to say about that. She insisted on cooking their meals with her own hands because she was sure the nurturing love of a daughter-in-law would bring them quickly back to health. It seemed in this she was mistaken, for they died not long after. Punzie graciously stepped forward to assume rule of the kingdom, with her right hand man the chamberlain and her loyal boy toy husband Rupert. And they all lived happily ever after. 


End file.
